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Another fight with my boyfriend had left me alone on what was supposed to be a pleasant night. Moments after he stormed out of my dorm room, I walked out into frozen December air in an effort to escape the oncoming whirlwind of emotions.

I ended up in the calm silence between two shelves on the seventh floor of the university library, gazing through windows at the dim streetlights below and the stars streaking the midnight sky.

It might seem peculiar to relax in a library, but I always thought that being in public areas with no one around felt peaceful. It was as if the world became mine, and I could fill the emptiness with anything I could imagine.

I thought about the fight, how it began, and why it happened. We had been dating since we started college, and for a while we were both happy, but recently things had been difficult. It was like we were lacking something I couldn’t quite explain, a certain feeling of intimacy. I cared for him deeply, but I never felt that kind of desire with him. I was somehow far from him, even when he was by my side, even when he touched me.

But it was hard to let go, and that’s why we were so conflicted. He was the first person I went all the way with, and I did it because I trusted him. He was respectful, unlike so many others I’d met, and that was something that genuinely made me happy. I thought I was ready to give him the rest of my life.

Even in terms of sex, what we shared had meaning to me. He showed me things I had never known, the incredible feeling of being able to give pleasure on those nights I’d slowly bring him to orgasm after teasing him with building intensity, to deliver such ultimate satisfaction. I couldn’t deny that I would get desperately aroused by the feeling of his body trembling against mine as he fought to control himself, his breathing as he finished inside me, whispering my name, the way he looked at me after, as if I were treasured, as if I brought him peace.

He had taken me there, too, but it just wasn’t the same. My body felt good and he knew what I liked, but somewhere in my mind, I never felt those sparks I used to dream about, the crazy rush and emotional climax that would make me lose my mind for a few precious seconds.

I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, that even though he couldn’t give me that feeling, I could still be okay.

But for some reason, I would sometimes catch myself imagining an encounter that felt more like a dream, where all the pieces would fall into place, set me ablaze with fire like the stars in the sky, farther away but so much brighter than all of the lights we’d ever seen.

As I stood there looking upward, I couldn’t help but believe those stars were just on the other side, as if I could reach out and press my hand against the cold glass to touch them.

I found myself moving a few paces closer to the window, and as I approached, arm outstretched in an almost unconscious gesture to capture what I couldn’t, I thought I heard the sound of footsteps near me. But I turned around and saw nothing.

“They’re beautiful tonight, aren’t they?” a voice said from behind me.

I turned around and saw a girl with a pretty face. She was about the same height as me, and slender but soft. It occurred to me that soft was such a strange way to describe a person, but it was the first word that came to mind. I could just imagine her skin, her curves, the way they would feel under my fingertips.

“I thought you were a ghost,” I said, taking a deep breath and trying to shake off the strange thoughts.

She smiled mysteriously, as if to tell me that she was in fact part of my imagination, a creation within my own world.

Then she said, “Nah, I was just looking for a book for my research paper.”

“I was, um…” I trailed off, looking away as I struggled to make up a reason to be there.

“Making wishes,” she finished for me.

“No, I just wanted to reach them,” I exclaimed, laughing a little at the absurdity of the statement.

“I saw.” She began to laugh too, in a sweet, high melody that made me want to pull her in and kiss her.

I bit my lip and took a sudden step back without thinking. I never imagined myself being attracted to a girl before. Well, maybe a few times, but I was always able to push it out of my mind easily enough. But this time I suddenly felt like I wanted her in a way that was powerful and out of my control. I could feel my heartbeat rise despite my best efforts to calm down, my body becoming aroused at the very thought of her body, and I knew my face was flushed as I faced her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, sounding concerned.

I looked back at her, filled with an unexpected desire. “It’s nothing,” I stammered.

And I thought it would be uncomfortable. I thought we would start to talk about and I wouldn’t be able to think of anything. I thought that if I ever found the courage to get closer to her, I would panic and make every mistake possible.

Well, it’s true that my hands began to shake as she took a few steps toward me, leaned in slowly and kissed me. But when her lips touched mine, I found that I wasn’t nervous anymore. I felt like I had been wanting this, all my life.

Her lips were soft and sweet, not at all like the guys I’d kissed. It started out gentle as I explored the new sensations, immersed myself in the unknown of a girl’s body.  But I got lost in the moment when I realized how I could feel the soft strands of her long hair against my cheeks, grazing my collar, how I could smell her skin, something like a sugary vanilla. I stopped to breathe it in but I didn’t stop at all, because I was kissing her back passionately as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Our tongues intertwined, danced, as she slid out of her clothes and I removed mine, and we fell back against the window, frozen glass behind me and her delicious body in front.

She rubbed against me, kissing my neck, and I arched my back in sheer pleasure, running my hands through her hair. It was instinctive in a way that I’d never felt with anyone else, and every part of my body was screaming that this was what it had always been craving.

I closed my eyes, feeling myself get wetter, a warm sticky feeling spreading between my legs. I groaned and squeezed my thighs together, and she responded with a quiet, erotic sound, like a delicate breeze before a summer storm, raining passion over me, filling my mind with clouds of beautiful insanity. Her lips trailed down the center of my body carefully, and then she began to play with me using her fingers.

She touched me expertly, and I found myself eager for more. She paused for a moment, making me wait, and then I felt her tongue, hot and wet, darting along my most sensitive parts in ways that made me feel weak.

I was surprised. I had never liked that before. But when she did it, I could hardly stop myself from moaning. Through the haze of pleasure, I realized that it must make sense, because she had the same body parts as me. I let out a little laugh.

“What is it?” she whispered between the swirling motions of her tongue.

“I think guys just don’t get it,” I told her, and she giggled.

“Exactly,” she said, sliding her tongue into me. I moaned, pressing myself back against the window as I felt tingles through my body. I wasn’t even thinking, I really couldn’t control the sounds I was making. Suddenly I realized what I should have known for a while, that the full length of my naked body was pressed against the glass, and that if anyone had walked by, they would see our silhouettes perfectly.

It was like a breaking point. I felt that if I couldn’t bear it anymore, the intensity and excitement. But it was more than that, because I finally found the sparks I was searching for. I believed for the first time that it wasn’t just something was wrong with me, as I’d always feared. When I thought about that, I felt myself get dangerously close, and as I reached orgasm I knew there were tears in my eyes.

Afterwards, I slowly got to my knees, and she lay back in front of me. I leaned down and spread her legs, kissing along her inner thighs.

“I’ve never done this before, I hope it’s okay,” I told her, looking up.

I never liked my own taste, but when I reached that part of her, I already knew I would like it. I couldn’t define why, but the sound of her voice, her soft writhing body in my hands, the way she got more wet with my touch, made pleasing her that much more thrilling.

I couldn’t believe I never knew before that I even wanted this. It was truly perfection. I could feel my body craving more, and I wanted to continue all night, even if the library closed, until they caught us, wet and naked next to a window on the ground of the seventh floor.

“Let me explore you,” I begged.

She let out a delirious whimper in response.

It was my fantasy come to life, and the world began to glow.